Boundaries.
What comes up for you upon reading this word?
For some, it is an eye roll, thinking of the proselytizing often akin to Instagram influencers in the self-help space. For others, it is a feeling of shame in knowing boundaries could help them in certain areas of their lives (e.g., at home, at work, maybe even around their hobbies). Anne M. Appel, M.A., hears the word “boundaries” multiple times per day in sessions with her clients.
Appel is a licensed clinical professional counselor who helps couples, families and high-achieving business professionals from her Chicago office. In the years she’s been doing this work, she’s seen a steep increase in anxiety among her clients, especially those who occupy high-demand positions at work.
“Our brains have so many tabs open all the time with all of the information we’re getting fed,” she says. “It’s the first time since World War II that our life expectancies are going down. It is because our stress levels are so high.”
These “tabs” can be difficult to close, per se, especially for business leaders who have hefty responsibilities. Cue checking email at a family function, staying late at work and neglecting personal obligations. Appel sees this regularly in her practice and says a lack of boundaries around a person’s time can have catastrophic results—like needing to take leave from a job because a person’s central nervous system struggles to calm down. But beyond work, in the personal realm, she is witnessing some troubling trends.
“People have blown up their lives; marriages deteriorate like crazy,” she says. “That, typically, is where I see the heaviest impact on high-achieving people. It tends to be in their personal relationships, marriages and with their families.”
If you are having issues creating boundaries, you are not alone. It’s so common that Appel herself reports being guilty of it—and being called out by her 10-year-old son.
“My kids had been out of town for a couple of days with my husband, and they came home and wanted to watch something with me,” she says. “And it’s, of course, not something I’m interested in. And before you know it, [I have someone] calling me. I’ve got a client texting. I’m managing calendars while I’m [sitting] here because I’m just trying to make the most of my time. And my son gets very upset. He’s like, ‘You’re not even watching this with us.’”
Appel realized immediately that her son was right. She wasn’t present. She’d, as she says, gotten pulled into “urgency culture”—feeling like things needed to be done immediately. Once her son illuminated her lack of boundaries, she shifted gears.
“I was like, ‘He’s completely right,’” she says. “And I owe them my presence, so I’m going to put my phone on silent.”
The Link Between Boundaries and Transformation
The conversation around boundaries often ends with stories of people so-called “failing” at setting boundaries and doesn’t go into the transformation that can happen when they are implemented. Appel has seen positive transformations over and over in her clients.
One client, a woman in a high-achieving role, struggled so much with boundaries that she transitioned out of her job. The spillover of work into her life was, as Appel says, “wrecking her physically and emotionally.”
After several sessions together, the woman was able to create boundary-setting rituals, and the results have been profound.
“These days, she is doing a 30-minute restorative present yoga during her lunch hour every day,” Appel says. “She is so much happier. She’s able to have much healthier relationships with her family. Her dating life is much better. She feels much better about herself. She’s in control. When we get to the point of burnout, we are out of control. We’ve allowed ourselves to have our life be on fire.”
This client isn’t the only one who needed to hit rock bottom before setting boundaries. Appel sees this behavior frequently and encourages people to think about how boundaries could actually help them in their jobs and personal lives.
“I have seen people who were not able to set boundaries to the point of burnout,” Appel says. “And, sometimes, people need a hard reset to recover. I don’t ever want to see that happen to people. If we can make some changes along the way, we won’t get to that level.”
Easily Achievable Tips for Boundary Creation
For Appel, creating boundaries means gaining control when things feel out of control. This starts with sleep, hydration, nutrition and exercise. Forgetting to eat is a frequent scenario she hears from clients. If body movement is an issue, take a phone call while walking on the treadmill. Self-care doesn’t have to mean scheduling spa days. Instead, it can be tiny tweaks that bring increased feelings of nourishment and well-being.
Many of Appel’s clients struggle, in particular, with boundaries around their time at home. Her words of advice: Quality over quantity.
“[This] is where you see the best results,” she says. “You could be with your partner and kids all the time. Maybe you just went on vacation. [You tell them,] ‘I was with you the whole time.’ [But] you were on your phone or in your own world. They were asking for your presence. Not time.”
During busy times at work, she recommends chunking out tiny pieces of time and giving full presence. The effort can make a huge difference in relationships. This could look like driving children to school on Monday morning and, during that time, being completely present with them.
And when it comes to romantic partnerships, instead of scheduling a date, “go on a walk together,” she recommends, or ask them to sit down for 10 minutes for a cup of coffee together. “Sit down and just ask, ‘How really are you?’”
Ultimately, Appel suggests seeing rest as a positive in your life. “The reality is: Rest is productive,” she says. “Our jobs are not designed for us to rest and have these boundaries, so it is very important that we create them.”
This article originally appeared in the March/April 2025 issue of SUCCESS© magazine. Photo courtesy of Anne M. Appel.
<